The Prodigal Scene Two
60
This script was given the John Gassner Memorial Award for Playwriting 2000.
Adjudicated by Eric Bentley for The New England Theatre Conference,
Boston, Massachusetts, U.S.A
ACT 1
Scene Two
AN OFFICE IN LONDON SAME TIME
IT IS A BRIGHT, MODERN OFFICE AND WE CAN SEE FROM POSTERS ON THE WALLS (THEATRE, SHOW, BOXING AND WRESTLING) THAT THE BUSINESS IS SOMETHING TO DO WITH ‘PROMOTION/AGENCY’ WORK.
SITTING BEHIND THE DESK IS LENNON, A MAN IN HIS FIFTIES. HE IS VERY WELL, SHARPLY, DRESSED. WHEN HE SPEAKS HE HAS A BROAD COCKNEY ACCENT.
HE IS TALKING ON THE TELEPHONE.
LENNON Listen … do you want the, fucking, tickets or have you just rang up to dick me around … (HE LISTENS FOR A MOMENT) No … I told you … thirty quid … And that’s only if you buy twenty (LISTENS) What do you mean … “Are they good seats” … They’ve been in that Theatre for about a hundred, fucking, years, so they can’t be all that bad … (LISTENS … PULLS A FACE … EXASPERATED)A good show? … How, the fuck, would I know … I’m what’s pejoratively known as a ticket tout, not a, bleeding, Theatre critic … (LISTENS) ‘Pejorative’? … It’s a fancy word for nasty bastard who it’s a bad idea to owe money to … Like you do me, Razor … (LISTENS) What’s with the little half-arsed laugh … Do you think owing me money is funny … (LISTENS) … Good … (LISTENS) yeah, whatever … Anyway … the tickets are six hundred quid for a block of twenty … Now you want some … or you don’t … Either way I want your ragged little arse round ‘ere some time this week to pay for the last lot you ‘ad … (LISTENS) Bollocks … (SLAMS THE RECEIVER DOWN) Dickhead
THE INTERCOM ON THE DESK RINGS AND HE ANSWERS IT.
LENNON Yeah …
SAMANTHA (V.O.) Mister, Lennon, it’s your wife …
LENNON How many times do I ‘ave to tell you, Samantha … she’s not my wife … She’s my ex-wife … you know, as in X-certificate … (Beat) She’s just going to have to sit there until I …
SAMANTHA (V.O.) She’s not ‘ere … she’s on the other line
LENNON In that case I’m not in … And if Razor rings back … which he will, in about thirty seconds … I’m busy …
SAMANTHA (V.O.) She knows you’re ‘ere
LENNON That’s not the point, Samantha … you’re m... secretary, so when you tell ‘er I’m not, bleeding ‘ere, I ain’t, bleeding, ‘ere … you don’t second guess a secretary … (Beat) Oh, and if anyone rings to give me something … you know … as opposed to wanting something from me … I’m at their disposable … as Mrs Mal-a-wots-it might ‘ave put it
SAMANTHA (V.O.)I don’t understand ‘wot you’re on about half, the bleeding, time, Mister Lennon
LENNON And that’s as it should be, Samantha … Now, I know this is a bit like asking if the Pope shits in the woods … but was Shelly on about money?
SAMANTHA (V.O.)Money?
LENNON Yeah, Samantha, money … y’know, that stuff I give you every week? … (Beat) In the little brown envelope with the ‘oles in it?
SAMANTHA (V.O.) You don’t ‘ave to be sarky, Mister Lennon … And, as it ‘appens … it was Trevor she wanted to talk to you about
LENNON Trevor? … Don’t you know, Samantha, that when Shelly talks about Trevor, what she’s really talking about is … ‘money for Trevor’ … (Beat) My accountant’s more familiar with Trevor than I am
SAMANTHA Yes I’m sure ‘ee is, Mister Lennon, but …
LENNON Whenever you ‘ear ‘ol Jenkins referring to subsection eleven, that’s Trevor … It’s the clause in the divorce settlement which obliges me to break my bollix for the rest of my life to insure that Shelly and Trevor become multibillionaires
SAMANTHA (V.O.) I’ll tell ‘er you’ve gone out to a meeting, Mister Lennon … but she won’t be ‘appy
LENNON Well, you know what the Bible ‘as to say about making people ‘appy, don’t you … heap unto others the crap they would heap unto thee’ … Ecclesiastes, the director’s cut … (Beat) Now, ‘as there been any word from Declan?
SAMANTHA Not yet, Mister Lennon … But Mister Tebbit’s just walked in
LENNON Oh, yeah? … Well, tell Mister Tebbit that ‘ee’s a day late …
SAMANTHA (V.O.)‘Ee says …
LENNON I don’t give a fuck what ‘ee says … He can
SAMANTHA (V.O.) (CUTS IN) ‘Ee’s, ah, standing right ‘ere, Mister Lennon … By the Intercom
LENNON Oh, good … (LEANS CLOSER TO THE SPEAKER) ‘arry … fuck off … you was told … Wednesday … If ‘you check with Samantha, there, she’ll confirm that today’s Thursday
HARRY (V.O.) But, Jack …
LENNON But me no, fucking, buts, ‘arry … I’m looking for a guy to run a club … Now, if you can’t get your arse into gear to attend the, bleeding, interview you’re no use to me …
HARRY (V.O.)Give-us a break, Jack … I was in nick all, bleeding, night …
LENNON Lucky ‘ol Nick … (FLICKS THE OFF BUTTON, OPENS A DRAWER AND STARTS TO LOOK OVER SOME PAPERS. AFTER A TIME HE STOPS AND LOOKS AT HIS WATCH. HE LOOKS UNEASY, HE GETS UP AND GOES TO THE WINDOW)
AFTER A TIME THE DOOR OPENS AND A MAN IN HIS MID-TWENTY’S ENTERS
LENNON Nice of you to show …
DECLAN Worried, were you?
LENNON If things went as the... should ‘ave, you’re carrying fifteen grand of mine … So, yes … I was ‘concerned’… How did it go, anyway?
DECLAN TAKES A WAD OF MONEY FROM HIS POCKET AND TOSSES IT ONTO LENNON’S DESK. LENNON LIFTS IT AND FLICKS THROUGH IT.
LENNON ‘Ere, Dec, there’s blood on some of these notes … (Starts to count)
DECLAN Is there … Oh, dear
LENNON (Not lifting his head) Is it all, ‘ere?
DECLAN Yes, Jack ... that’s why there’s blood on it
LENNON ‘ad a beef, did ‘ee?
DECLAN He thought forty-five per-cent was a bit high a’commission
LENNON
(Chuckles) A bit high? … It’s downright, bleeding, exorbitant … I wouldn’t pay it … But then … (Winks) I wouldn’t ask somebody else to do my dirty work for me, would I …
DECLAN How come, then, I get so much of it to do?
LENNON That’s not you’, Declan … That’s ‘us’…
DECLAN ‘Us’?
LENNON You know, ‘us’… As in the royoul ‘we’ … Like when the Queen wants to insult peasants and foreigners … but can’t … she ‘as Prince Philip do it for ‘er …
DECLAN Which makes me Prince Philip to your Queen?
LENNON Something like that, Dec … Only without the Music Hall innuendo …
DECLAN Speaking of Music Halls … I saw Harry Tebbit when I was coming through Soho Square … He didn’t look like a man who’d just been given a Club to run …
LENNON That’s because ‘ee’s a man who ‘asn’t been just given a Club to run … ‘ee was nicked Tuesday night for selling bent booze
DECLAN And are you telling me, Jack, that selling bent booze somehow disqualified him?
LENNON No, Dec … Getting caught selling bent booze somehow disqualified the prick … (The intercom buzzes … Lennon punches the button) … yeah?
SAMANTHA (V.O.) It’s Mrs. Lennon again …
LENNON ‘wot’s with you, Samantha … She ain’t my, bleeding, wife anymore …‘ave you turned Catholic, or ‘wot? … Besides, I’m not in, am I?
SAMANTHA (V.O.) She doesn’t believe me, Mister Lennon …
LENNON What ‘as that got to do with it … If I didn’t believe in gravity would it mean I could fly?
SAMANTHA (V.O.) Your losing me again, Mister Lennon … I ‘aven’t a, bleeding, clue ‘wot you’re on about …
LENNON ‘wot I’m on about, Samantha … is that if you tell anyone I ‘ain’t in … then … ipso-wots’o … I ‘ain’t, bleeding in … (Punches ‘off’ button)
DECLAN You’ve that wee girl’s head turned …
LENNON I’ve ‘er head turned? … (The intercom buzzes … he punches the button and indicates to Declan to remain silent)
SAMANTHA (V.O.) She says it’s about Trevor’s new School … (LENNON remains silent and indicates to Declan to do the same … There is a pause) … Mister Lennon, are you still there? (Another pause) She’s getting very pissed off, Mister Lennon… (Pause) Declan, are you there? … (Pause as Declan and Lennon laugh silently) … Is anyone there?
DECLAN (Leans towards intercom) Jasus, Samantha … it sounds like you’re holding a séance out there
SAMANTHA (V.O.) Declan, will you tell Mister Lennon that she says ‘both’ parents ‘ave to attend the interview … And that it’s this Saturday
LENNON (Into intercom) In the first place, Samantha I’m gonn’a be in ‘olland this Saturday … And in the second … She is both parents … At least that’s ‘wot she was always telling me… (Beat) Now … why don’t you put the results of that Secretarial Course I paid for into action … and tell ‘er to fuck off (Punches ‘off’ button and Addresses Declan) And you think you ‘ave it ‘ard out there
DECLAN Jack, I’m only dealing with ruthless, greedy, villains … Samantha … on the other hand … has Shelly to deal with …(Beat) Not to mention you
LENNON (Sits back … broad smile) I knew it …
DECLAN Knew what?
LENNON You’re screwing ‘er, ain’t you?
DECLAN (Half-laugh) I’m what?
LENNON ‘Screwing’ ‘er … That’s a euphemism for
DECLAN (Interrupts) Jack, I know what screwing is … But what makes you think I’m screwing Samantha?
LENNON Well, just now … ‘ow you was coming over all ‘protective’ like
DECLAN That’s just my natural instinct to protect the underdog, Jack
LENNON Yeah … a regular little Robin ‘ood, ain’t you … Just make sure when it comes to the parting of the ways I don’t end up with the secretary from, bleeding, Hell … An ex-wife from there is my limit
DECLAN How is the lovely Mrs. Lennon these days, anyhow?
LENNON Don’t you, bleeding, start … (Beat) you know what landed on my desk yesterday morning … (Beat) the bill for that facelift she ‘ad (Beat) … ‘ave you seen it?
DECLAN What, the bill?
LENNON Very droll … ‘er kisser
DECLAN Oh, yeah … (Beat) Incredible what modern
medicine can do now-a-days, isn’t it …
LENNON Yeah … In the good ‘ol days she’s ‘ave ‘ad to rely on third degree burns … (Beat)And now she’s lumbered me with the fees for some poncy, fucking, school she’s sending Trevor to
DECLAN You don’t begrudge him an education, do you?
LENNON Declan, it’s not about ‘education’ … It’s just another stroke Shelly’s pulling to make sure Trevor don’t get anywhere near me … The fact that it’s costing me an arm and a, bleeding, leg, she considers a bonus … (Beat) ‘ee’s already a stuck-up little bastard ... When ‘ee gets outt’a that kip ‘ee’ll think ‘ee’s entitled to be
The intercom buzzes. Lennon stabs the button.
LENNON (Cont.)(Short) What is it now?
SAMANTHA (V.O.) You don’t ‘ave to snap, Mister Lennon …
LENNON Okay, Samantha, I’m sorry … So, what is it?
SAMANTHA (V.O.) It’s Razor
LENNON (Shoots Declan a look) Oh, yeah? … ‘as ‘ee any money for me?
SAMANTHA (Off)(We can hear Samantha talking to Razor)‘Ee says ‘ave you any money for ‘im, Razor? … (Pause … She addresses Lennon)‘Ee says he ‘as ‘is Giro … and that if you let him have the tickets he ‘as a buyer and can square you up with the rest of the money tomorrow
LENNON (Addresses Declan) See what I mean … surrounded by, fucking, wankers …(Leans closer to the Intercom) Did You hear that, Razor … ‘wankers’ … that’s you
SAMANTHA (Off)‘ee says, yes, Mister Lennon … And can he have two blocks?
LENNON Do you believe this … (Into Intercom) Samantha … just for a quiet life … and to stop Razor stinking up Reception … give him one … and I repeat, ‘one’ … And forget the Giro … (Raises his voice) And Razor … Monday lunch-time … or it’ll be disability Giros you’ll be collecting … Right! … (Hangs up) What did I ever do to deserve Razor?
DECLAN I think the word’s, ‘nurtured’ …
LENNON ‘wot a load a’crap … Did you get a bang on the ‘ead in that tussle in Manchester … (The Intercom buzzes … he grabs it up) At the risk of sounding ‘snappish’, Samantha …what, the fuck, is it now?
SAMANTHA (Off)Its Razor … ‘ee says to ask you, that … as you don’t need ‘is Giro … could we cash it for ‘im?
LENNON Are you taking the piss, Samantha?
SAMANTHA (Off)No, Mr Lennon … its Razor ’ee said
LENNON (Cuts in) Put the little bastard on
SAMANTHA (V.O.)(We hear Samantha calling out) Razor, Mister Lennon wants to … (Pause) ‘ee’s legged it, Mister Lennon
LENNON ‘ee’s not as dumb as ‘ee looks, is ‘ee … (Beat) Now, Samantha, … remember what ‘appened last month … When I’m out to lunch the little bastard will sneak back ‘er telling you ‘ee’s met me and I’ve okayed the cash … Tell ‘im to …
SAMANTHA (V.O.) (Cuts in) That wasn’t my fault, Mister Lennon … ‘ee ‘ad a note
LENNON Which ‘ee, bleeding, wrote, Samantha
SAMANTHA ‘ow was I suppose to know?
LENNON (Forced patience) Okay, Samantha … (Beat) Just don’t give ‘im any, bleeding, money … (Hits ‘off’ button)
DECLAN See what I mean?
LENNON See what, Dec? …
DECLAN You’ve adopted Razor
LENNON What is it ‘round ‘ere … ‘ave I started wearing the same, bleeding, aftershave as Mother Teresa, or ‘wot … you reckon I’ve adopted Razor … and Shelly reckons I’ve adopted you
DECLAN (Getting up) Thanks, Jack … but, no, thanks …(Heads towards door)
LENNON Bleeding, cheek … (Calls after Declan) you could do worse, y’know
DECLAN (Already gone) I already have …
End of Scene
